There’re a lot of things and people in our lives that require our attention and energy; to be stable and to feel securely grounded, we also need to pay attention to ourselves. It can be very hard to prioritise, to divide our time and effort. More often than we would like to admit, we neglect our own needs to satisfy those of others’.
Especially during the holiday season, family obligations, friendly gatherings, presents, seating charts, dinner menus, year-end closing at work, annual reviews, extra crunch time to hit or exceed the last target of the year…I’m stressed out by just thinking about them 🥵!
So exactly when do we say it’s enough and where do we need to establish (better) boundaries?
When you see this card, you are being called to create clearer boundaries in your life. Saying YES when you really want to say NO almost always leads to resentment. Some things might seem like a “small favour” at first, but before you know it, you’re in it neck-deep, feeling depleted, resentful or being taken advantage of. Sounds a bit exaggerated? Maybe, but you know I’m right, we’ve all been there, multiple times.
Saying NO is not a selfish act, it is a spiritual act, for when you finally say YES to something, you are able to give all you’ve got unconditionally. When others know where you stand, you will be able to give freely.
If saying NO at the right time is so awesome, then why, for some of us, it is still so difficult. Because when we say YES but actually want to say NO, it could be that little people pleasing voice inside our heads, it could also mean that we need something ourselves. Next time when you feel obligated to say YES, ask yourself, “what do I need from them?”, “what part of me that needs something from them?” While there are some needs we do need to get from others, some aren’t. Maybe it’s the need for approvals; the fear of people getting upset or angry; even the fear of losing them; the hope that they will one day go out of their ways to scratch your back as well, when you’re in need.
I can’t help but wonder though, what has that little external validation ever done for me really, aside from a brief moment of self-worthiness? Remember that we’re already worthy to begin with, we don’t need to jeopardise our peace of mind and burn out our energies to prove that. The people who gets angry or upset when we communicate our boundaries, are the ones who benefit from us not having a boundary or limit. A true friend and a healthy relationship doesn’t require you to bend over backwards, or to sacrifice yourself in order to satisfy the other’s needs and desires.
It’s not easy, I know, so let’s start with the small things first, like telling your friend that you’re not going to help her setting up her dinner party for the third time this month, because you would rather spend it alone on the couch with a good book.
Let’s only share when we feel safe, invest in those who invest in us, listen to our “gut feelings” and intuitions. Our energy is our currency, use it wisely and handle it with care.
Your tiredness has dignity to it. There is no shame in admitting that you cannot go on. You have been on a long journey from the stars. Even the courageous need to rest.
Jeff Poster
Inner Orbit 